i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
