TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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