Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
