apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Randomize
