Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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