Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.