i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
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I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
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Last time i carry you out of a forest
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"