Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
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I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
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And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
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