Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
