after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
zippers are such a cool invention
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
