Less talking, more tequila
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
