I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
