Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
