Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
