What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
