can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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