Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
two words: eviction party
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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