It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Randomize
