got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
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