Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Randomize
