Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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