I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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