I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
