I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Randomize
