If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I deserve this hangover.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
