I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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