I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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