Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
