I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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