When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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