I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
