I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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