Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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