I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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