I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
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