I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
