Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
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I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
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I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
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