I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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