do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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