When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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