I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Randomize