you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
it was like eating out sand paper
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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