but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Randomize
