I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
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He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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