I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
