dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
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