when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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