Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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