i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
as a side note pls kill me
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
