You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
