I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
