i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
you had me at cake vodka
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
