made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize
