I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
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