Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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