when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
