Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Randomize
