Banned from zoo.
Again?
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Randomize
