I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
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