I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
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