Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
That accounts for only three of the penises
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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