Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
two words...techno handjob
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
