New low: just hacked my moms facebook
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
