i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
