i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
