What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I queefed so loud it echoed.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
