walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
