I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
