i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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